Part 3 of 3

January 25

It’s night again. I spent all of yesterday making sure everything is found just as I want it to be. I don’t know exactly what will happen to me after this, but I can’t leave Alice out there. I made a vow to her and to God that I would stay by her side in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad, forever.

My dear wife Alice used to say I didn’t know how to follow through with resolutions because I didn’t like the idea of changing myself. I can only smile as I remember how she’d stare at me over her half-moon glasses and chuckle as I made my resolutions, wishing me the best but knowing I’d never finish any of them. But that was before. Now I truly see just how much I meant to Alice, and I want her to know that I will love her forever, regardless of how she looks. I’m committed to showing her my dedication, to prove to her she’s not fighting alone against whatever dark abyss she’s gazed into. I want to be there holding her hand as we fight together.

I’ve already set about making myself appropriate for the next time I see her. The straight razor has made quick work of my left hand. It’s almost eerie to watch the muscles twitch and strain as I flex my hand. I’ve done away with my legs, stomach, and chest too. I remember getting a manual as we landed in Korea, showing pictures of the human body as a muscle-enveloped skeleton with vital organs circled under bright red ink. As I looked into the bathroom mirror beneath a forehead gleaming white in the harsh fluorescent light, my lips dangling from my crazily-grinning mouth I could only imagine myself as some great leering caricature of what I’d seen fifty years ago.

I’ve saved my right hand for last, because I want to be sure the world knows why I’ve done what I’ve done. Any minute now I’ll go back into the bathroom and add a final pound of flesh to the bloody mess on the linoleum floor.

I want the world to know that I loved Alice. I still love her. I don’t know what will happen when I descend the attic stairs, trailing blood behind me like some macabre wedding train, but I know I’ll be with her.

That’s all I really want.